Monday, Dec. 06, 2004 - 1:07 a.m.
HI howdy.
Anybody wonder where I went? NoPLACE! Well, Vegas about a month ago, but that was just for like 5 days. I haven't been up to anything.
Nothing has turned out like I had planned, not that I really planned out my future or anything...I hardly ever think things out more than a day or two in advance. I'm just not happy and meandering aimlessly...again.
I moved back home, kinda...I don't even want to get into that situation. I guess when I thought all this out I was just in a better state of mind; I had a boyfriend, a job, money...something loosely resembling a social life. And in a matter of months it all crumbled away. To be fair I brought it all on myself, I knew the job would end, and occupied myself with little odd jobs, everyone kept telling me I deserved the break...and I believed them, because I thought I could take care of myself for a few months. Yeah...right. The money didn't take, as much, with my anime and manga fetish it all became mind candy. And the boyfriend...poor Andrew, someone should have warned the boy. I knew he wasn't for me...I should have warned the boy. There were warning signs everywhere, how he told me what I liked, the total lack of decision making between the two of us, and his horrible table manners. And I told myself I was happy, that I could pretend to be normal for just a little bit, but I couldn't, and I can't.
I can pinpoint the exact moment, the instance it all fell down. We were driving back from somewhere, and he said something wonderfully insightful and sweet and I thought 'I could really love this guy', and then just as I thought that he pops out with "its amazing that I still can't get comfortable around you" and the fool doesn't stop there, he goes on to tell me how he doesn't act the same way he does around me as he does his friends and family, that I’m intimidating. This is after 5 months; he’s been immersed in me...inside me at that (sorry...to much info?). I’ve let him get closer to me than anyone else, and he can't be himself around me?
And I realized I’d been fooling myself all along. He didn't understand me, I don't think he wanted to. He saw me as beautiful and smart and cultured, he was seeing an illusion anyway, let him walk away still seeing that and maybe think me a little crueler, rather than seeing the truth and walking away thinking me a fool.
So we drifted apart, or rather I think he got sick of waiting for me to come around and stopped calling. I hope he finds some simple stacked college girl to awkwardly boink. And I hope it makes him happy.
***
I spoke to adrie. I miss her. It’s nice to know she’s happy and in her element, I couldn't imagine anything else for her, she deserves everything and more.
BLAH, I’ve had enough. I've had enough of my family, of Christmas, the weather and most of all myself. This is pitiful. Go add some joy to your lives, and hopefully I can wring out a conclusion and get back to you.
